Until I've had the opportunity to really purge myself of the internal chaos and turmoil that I'm imbued with as a result of work-related stress, I don't think that I'll be able to really relax. In fact, I'm wondering if one of the reasons that the scoring of my threshold on the Wong-Baker pain scales has gone from a daily average of 4-5 to a daily average of 7-8 is because of everything that's been going on in the one area of my life that has always been pretty stable. Of course, there have been days in the past when I really didn't feel like going to work, but those days were such only because I was tired and/or wanted some time off to rest for some reason related to school or just general fatigure; however, all in all, I love my job.
Besides writing, the idea of making a living and sustaining myself as a freelancing, publishing author, the other career that I really considered up until the fall of 2008 was working as a counselor or some strategist and patient advocate in the field of psychiatric acute care. When the grant came through the B-wood and we had the opportunity to futher our education, I immediately wanted to return to school to finish up my pursuit of a Bachelor's degree in Psychology, but when I went to the second in command, I was told that I would have to go for nursing because I was working in the nursing department. I was encouraged, but I really had no drive or ambition to work as a nurse. Eventually, I decided to just go through the motions, and those motions eventually led me to having to leave the hospital temporarily in an effort to concentrate more fully on school, which was completely and totally engrossing. I hated nursing school. I was good at it, a model student, but I hated it.
Before leaving, there were certain characteristics of one of my supervisors that really, consistently rubbed me the wrong way. I realized that most of what I was seeing and experiencing was the true antithesis of everything that I knew to be positive, efficient, ethical, and beneficial in regards to proper management. There were times when I almost expressed my extreme discontent and disgust, but I resisted the urge, especially as my time was coming to a close, and I knew that, upon my return, I'd likely be dealing with this specific individual in a totally alternate capacity. Moreover, I had a relationship with the person that prevented me from ever doing anything about it. The separation of business and personal is something that some people are very great at. I am not one of those people. The problem that I have isn't that I allow personal situations to affect the business relationship in a negative way, but that I allow the personal relationships to prevent me from doing something about an issue just because I don't want someone to be upset with me. This was a mistake, and this is a lesson that I have most definitively now learned...the hard way.
Upon my return to the hospital, I had a totally different perspective on my life, my career, and my goals for the future. Instead of nursing, I was finally less than a year from graduating with a degree in Addiction Studies, a field that will allow me to work as a counselor or in some other, comparable position while I begin working toward the achievement of a Master's degree. I realized that the B-wood was my home, it was the spot where I was meant to live and work. Additionally, the new corporation that purchased our facility was likely to offer me an endless array of possibilities if I truly had the desire to reach for the stars and grow with the company. In a way, I sensed that I would be able to go virtually anywhere that corporate has reached its fingers, and I could continue my ambition in this field for which I have such a passion.
In the beginning, things were fine. Of course, there were plenty of negative attitudes, but those are always the case no matter where one works. Negative attitudes I can usually deal with because I have an uncanny knack for helping people look at the brighter sides of any situation. I am able to help people put things in perspective and get rid of negativity. I'm told that I'm an inspiration, an asset, a role model. I'm told that I'm someone others look up to. I care. I put my best effots into absolutely everything I do, but I put an even more specialized focus in anything related to my work, especially my work with this facility that I love. I stand more to gain from helping people to mediate their negative outlooks and work together as a team than I do to add fuel to the fire and become another member of the gossip committee.
I was stationed to a specific unit, but I worked pretty much anywhere, and in that first month, I worked every unit and every position in the hospital at least once. In short, I can do anything, and I do. I think that the only thing I haven't done is pass medication, and I believe that if a legal way could be found for me to do so, then most everyone would be on board to have me doing that nursing task as well as the myriad others with which I have been charged.
The departure of a long-time employee and the vacancy of his position opened the gates for the request that I take his place, so I resumed the position for which I trained that employee several years ago, and I was once again faced with those multiple problems that I found with the same supervising individual I had previously frowned upon. At first, I wondered whether or not I was experiencing some degree of righteous indignation toward these things I was noticing, now more than ever before. But I realized that I had achieved more experience, more formal education, and I had developed an even higher and more mature outlook on professionalism and ethics. Of course, I had a bigger problem with all the same things that I'd seen two years before, especially considereing that these were now more pronounced, more deliberate, and far more conspicuous than they had been in the past. What's more, I began to realize that each and every one of my many movements were being consistently and selectively micromanaged out of this individual's sense of entitlement and need for constant and deliberate manipulation of people and events in order to have something to control. The problem is that I don't require micromanagement. I'm a self-starter and a hard worker. I have the gift of anticipation, and I can know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and even have it nearly -if not totally- comopelte before I'm even asked to begin. I believe that these are qualities that are liked at times, but totally disregarded and subject to disciplinary measures at other times, based solely on mood. If anything, I would guess that these exceptional and totally extraordinary qualities would be cherished, rewarded, complimented, and hopefully emulated by others.
Communication is an essential aspect of work in any environment, but especially imperative when working in a medical facility, even moreso when the facility is one that specializes in psychiatric care. The grand slam cherry on top of the endless conflicts that I have been having with this co-worker is that communication, more specifically: effective communication, is impossible. The worst thing that I can be faced with is someone who is an exceptionally terrible listener. I expect it when working in the role of caregiver, and at those times, I'm an excellent listener; however, poor communication skills and the inability to listen for problem solving is one that I cannot abide in a fellow employee. Where are we supposed to climb when the rut is made deeper and more pronounced because one member of the team is inaccessible, unprofessional, and dismissive when the line of communication opens up for a response on the receiving end of their unnecessary, non-productive, and meritless diatribe?
I popped. I wasn't rude or hostile. I didn't scream or swear (oh miracle of miracles!). I was honest and impassioned, and everything that I said was for the benefit of the facility, my team, and the effectiveness of patient care. Unfortunately, my words fell on deaf ears. Probably because the ears ensconsed a mouth that refused to stop talking long enough to hear from someone who truly has a problem and desperately works to find a possible solution.
Now, here I am. Juxtaposed somewhere between uncertainty and the verge of having to go from one extreme to another: either make an appointment to run all the way up the hill and address the matter directly with the highest of the highs... or just let it all go, bow out, and look to find something somewhere else.
It's a shame, really. To have someone who really cares, someone who is great at what he does and wants to continue to do better. And to have, on the other side, someone who could care less, someone who is very poor at what they do, and someone who has really only gone into doing what they do for the financial benefits and the fact that it exists purely as a safe and sound sinecure. Just as those who can't do teach, those who haven't the capabilities for anything else stay right where they are, drinking up the air, contributing to the putrid, negative, foggy murk, and make those who are truly trying to advocate for a newer and better tomorrow as miserable as possible.
I'm sure that all the answers I seek are forthcoming. I only hope that in getting these thoughts all out of my brain and off my chest and away from my stomach, I'll be more inclined to do what I need to do to find the right answers. And make the right decisions.
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