It's a shame that I reach this point at the end of the day and I have absolutely no yen to write. Where the hell did that zest go? Up until only a few weeks ago, it was more of a compulsion than a sentence.
Right here and right now, I feel like I'm in a spot where I just can't muster the stamina.
I need to do something pretty drastic to try and get it back.
And I shouldn't be counting these days, besides. I ought to be enjoying the moments, but these moments haven't exactly been worth savoring since I got here.
More tasks for Ruthie's list (another 21):
22. Arrested Development (at this point, "I've made a huge mistake" seems appropriate).
23. The writings of Raymond Carver.
24. Then watch Short Cuts.
25. Then a few other films from Robert Altman. I suggest Nashville and Gosford Park.
26. Watch Psycho, but do it from the perspective that you know nothing of the story and you'll see what a genius Alfred Hitchcock was.
27. Other great examples of Hitchcock's virtuosity: The Birds, Rear Window, Strangers on a Train, North by Northwest, Rope and Shadow of a Doubt.
28. Another trash classic: The Carpetbaggers, by Harold Robbins.
29. Lace, the 1984 miniseries. Now, I'm always a book-first proponent, but this is the one case where I'll make the exception. Seriously, this is about 4 to 5 hours of your life that is definitely well spent.
30. Read Teresa Carpenter's piece in The Village Voice on Dorothy Stratten, "Death of a Playmate." It's one of the reasons I wanted to become a journalist.
31. Then watch the Bob Fosse movie Star 80.
32. Three great books by Sidney Sheldon: The Other Side of Midnight, If Tomorrow Comes and Master of the Game
33. John Irving's The World According to Garp
34. Then watch the movie (if for nothing more than John Lithgow's performance).
35. Gay classics you should read: Giovanni's Room (James Baldwin), The City and the Pillar (Gore Vidal) and And the Band Played On (Randy Shilts) - one of the books that made me want to be a journalist.
36. Gay classics you should watch: Beautiful Thing, Milk, Brokeback Mountain, But I'm a Cheerleader, Parting Glances, and Weekend.
37. Check out Pedro Almodovar, especially Matador, Bad Habits, Bad Education, All About My Mother and Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown.
38. Watch All About Eve, which may be one of the truly best pictures ever to win the award.
39. And American Beauty (I saw it four times in the theater).
40. Binge the following: Parks and Recreation (for the Snake Juice episode), The Mary Tyler Moore Show (for the one about the death of Chuckles the Clown), Rhoda (for the one with Rhoda's wedding), and Nurse Jackie (when you get to the final episode, you'll realize just how perfectly written the show was, and you'll wonder whether the final scene was planned when the pilot was written - from start to finish, a really good depiction of the nature of addiction).
41.Really listen to the words from Foster the People's Pumped Up Kicks. If you haven't yet, you're about to get a different perspective.
42. Now, this was a rough one for me. Read War and Remembrance right after you finish The Winds of War. From just before the invasion of Poland to the release of prisoners in concentration camps. It's a BIG, sweeping story with an American naval family at its center. Each member of the family is sort of strategically placed around the world as war rages in Europe. I guarantee you'll fall in love with the same character I did: Natalie.
That's all for tonight. I think I hear some Jackie Collins trash calling my name.
09 March 2017
08 March 2017
Day 53
What a difference a post makes.
So a little self-indulgent pity party seems to have done wonders for my self-esteem and overall outlook on life. Either that, or I am just having a better twenty-four hours on day 53 than I did on the 50(very)-odd days that came before.
To celebrate, a list for Ruthie Simmons. These are a few of the items I suggest she check out to be able to carry a conversation with me (and to continue to kick ass at Wednesday night trivia).
1. The Mayor of Casterbridge, by Thomas Hardy - it was my favorite assigned book in high school.
2. The Parker Posey collection: Party Girl, The House of Yes, Clockwatchers and Kicking & Screaming.
3. Which bleeds into the Christopher Guest movies: Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, and For Your Consideration.
4. Stephen King - I suggest everything he's published, in chronological order. I'm up to The Drawing of the Three. My favorites so far: 'Salem's Lot, The Dead Zone and Cujo (which he has no memory of writing - his memoir, On Writing, explains this a bit, but it doesn't come for a while in the bibliographical timeline).
5. The Thin Blue Line, Crazy/Love, Tabloid, talhotblond and Grey Gardens - all of my favorite documentaries.
6. She's Come Undone and I Know This Much is True, two books by Wally Lamb that really blew my mind.
7. The Amityville Horror, by Jay Anson. I don't know if it's true. I don't care if it's true. I know you don't believe in ghosts, but this really scared the crap out of me.
8. Helter Skelter, the story of the Manson murders written by prosecuting attorney Vincent T. Bugliosi. The only thing scarier than what happened is all the other things they were planning to do.
9. The Books of Blood, by Clive Barker. His work is very dense, but these stories will blow you away.
10. Boogie Nights and Magnolia, films of Paul Thomas Anderson.
11. Dallas - I'm up to season 11.
12. Dynasty - pure camp and total escapist delight. It's trash, but it's my favorite junk food for the brain. I can officially say that I've seen every episode.
13. Knots Landing - I officially saw all 344 episodes in high school. Still the best of the 80s prime time soaps.
14. Albums: Tapesty (Carole King), Abbey Road (The Beatles), The Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, Beethoven's 7th Symphony, Rio (Duran Duran), Synchronicity (The Police), and The Cure: The Singles.
15. Kitchen, a book by Banana Yashimoto. It's something I typically recommend for anyone dealing with grief, but it's beautifully written no matter when you read it.
16. Absolutely Fabulous - the whole series, the specials and the movie.
17. Valley of the Dolls - just read it.
18. Valley of the Dolls - then watch the movie.
19. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls - because it's my happening and it freaks me out.
20. The work of Bret Easton Ellis: Less Than Zero, The Rules of Attraction, American Psycho, The Informers, Glamorama, Lunar Park and Imperial Bedrooms.
21. Stories from the 318, but I hear they're hard to find.
I'll stop at 21 for now, but I'll fill in a few other suggestions when I'm not feeling quite so tired.
So a little self-indulgent pity party seems to have done wonders for my self-esteem and overall outlook on life. Either that, or I am just having a better twenty-four hours on day 53 than I did on the 50(very)-odd days that came before.
To celebrate, a list for Ruthie Simmons. These are a few of the items I suggest she check out to be able to carry a conversation with me (and to continue to kick ass at Wednesday night trivia).
1. The Mayor of Casterbridge, by Thomas Hardy - it was my favorite assigned book in high school.
2. The Parker Posey collection: Party Girl, The House of Yes, Clockwatchers and Kicking & Screaming.
3. Which bleeds into the Christopher Guest movies: Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, and For Your Consideration.
4. Stephen King - I suggest everything he's published, in chronological order. I'm up to The Drawing of the Three. My favorites so far: 'Salem's Lot, The Dead Zone and Cujo (which he has no memory of writing - his memoir, On Writing, explains this a bit, but it doesn't come for a while in the bibliographical timeline).
5. The Thin Blue Line, Crazy/Love, Tabloid, talhotblond and Grey Gardens - all of my favorite documentaries.
6. She's Come Undone and I Know This Much is True, two books by Wally Lamb that really blew my mind.
7. The Amityville Horror, by Jay Anson. I don't know if it's true. I don't care if it's true. I know you don't believe in ghosts, but this really scared the crap out of me.
8. Helter Skelter, the story of the Manson murders written by prosecuting attorney Vincent T. Bugliosi. The only thing scarier than what happened is all the other things they were planning to do.
9. The Books of Blood, by Clive Barker. His work is very dense, but these stories will blow you away.
10. Boogie Nights and Magnolia, films of Paul Thomas Anderson.
11. Dallas - I'm up to season 11.
12. Dynasty - pure camp and total escapist delight. It's trash, but it's my favorite junk food for the brain. I can officially say that I've seen every episode.
13. Knots Landing - I officially saw all 344 episodes in high school. Still the best of the 80s prime time soaps.
14. Albums: Tapesty (Carole King), Abbey Road (The Beatles), The Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, Beethoven's 7th Symphony, Rio (Duran Duran), Synchronicity (The Police), and The Cure: The Singles.
15. Kitchen, a book by Banana Yashimoto. It's something I typically recommend for anyone dealing with grief, but it's beautifully written no matter when you read it.
16. Absolutely Fabulous - the whole series, the specials and the movie.
17. Valley of the Dolls - just read it.
18. Valley of the Dolls - then watch the movie.
19. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls - because it's my happening and it freaks me out.
20. The work of Bret Easton Ellis: Less Than Zero, The Rules of Attraction, American Psycho, The Informers, Glamorama, Lunar Park and Imperial Bedrooms.
21. Stories from the 318, but I hear they're hard to find.
I'll stop at 21 for now, but I'll fill in a few other suggestions when I'm not feeling quite so tired.
07 March 2017
Day 52: What I like, what I hate and what I'm ready to leave in the dust
Once upon a time, a southern writer and journalist came to the Pacific Northwest.
Cascadia.
And after the worst six days of his life — and this from a guy who grew up gay in the buckle of the Baptist bible belt AND has withdrawn from hydrocodone-based painkillers on multiple occasions — he hoped he would settle into a new life of writing and tranquility.
But after only seven quickly passing weeks, the writer realized he was feeling far from tranquil.
He was barely writing.
Barely resting.
Barely finding anything to feel any sort of pleasure about.
Food no longer tasted great.
He was always cold.
His skin was becoming a dry, patchy mess that even the thickest lotion wouldn't moisten.
He no longer cared for the meetings that had gotten him here.
Work wasn't even close to what he'd imagined. In fact, it felt much more like work than it felt like following his dream. He realized he wasn't taking that next step on his career path. The journey was stunted.
So he thought.
And he prayed (but not as much as he once did, because even that had lost something — some of the magic — that it once promised).
And he decided — as he had once before — in the words of Stephen King (who wrote as Richard Bachman) writing about Thad Beaumont (who wrote as George Stark), that the only was to do it is to do it.
And he remembered that the happiest times in his life were when he was being the most creative, being true to his own personal muse(s).
So he ran out and bought a bunch of records: an album from The Human League and one from Donovan, something from Thompson Twins, and a few soundtracks, including Saturday Night Fever.
And he bought an armful of trashy paperbacks: Jackie Collins and Sidney Sheldon and Barbara Taylor Bradford.
And he downloaded a few playlists on YouTube of the the television shows that made him happiest.
And he decided it was time to pick up an old project.
The Stories from the 318.
As written in the 509.
Maybe this time it will be a little better.
At least he'd be a little truer to himself.
Because life in this little town in the Pacific Northwest... this job that he'd taken... this life he was leading... none of it was even a fraction of the idea he had before he arrived.
Sometimes, reality is much more endurable when it's envisioned in future tense. Living it in present tense is another story.
Cascadia.
And after the worst six days of his life — and this from a guy who grew up gay in the buckle of the Baptist bible belt AND has withdrawn from hydrocodone-based painkillers on multiple occasions — he hoped he would settle into a new life of writing and tranquility.
But after only seven quickly passing weeks, the writer realized he was feeling far from tranquil.
He was barely writing.
Barely resting.
Barely finding anything to feel any sort of pleasure about.
Food no longer tasted great.
He was always cold.
His skin was becoming a dry, patchy mess that even the thickest lotion wouldn't moisten.
He no longer cared for the meetings that had gotten him here.
Work wasn't even close to what he'd imagined. In fact, it felt much more like work than it felt like following his dream. He realized he wasn't taking that next step on his career path. The journey was stunted.
So he thought.
And he prayed (but not as much as he once did, because even that had lost something — some of the magic — that it once promised).
And he decided — as he had once before — in the words of Stephen King (who wrote as Richard Bachman) writing about Thad Beaumont (who wrote as George Stark), that the only was to do it is to do it.
And he remembered that the happiest times in his life were when he was being the most creative, being true to his own personal muse(s).
So he ran out and bought a bunch of records: an album from The Human League and one from Donovan, something from Thompson Twins, and a few soundtracks, including Saturday Night Fever.
And he bought an armful of trashy paperbacks: Jackie Collins and Sidney Sheldon and Barbara Taylor Bradford.
And he downloaded a few playlists on YouTube of the the television shows that made him happiest.
And he decided it was time to pick up an old project.
The Stories from the 318.
As written in the 509.
Maybe this time it will be a little better.
At least he'd be a little truer to himself.
Because life in this little town in the Pacific Northwest... this job that he'd taken... this life he was leading... none of it was even a fraction of the idea he had before he arrived.
Sometimes, reality is much more endurable when it's envisioned in future tense. Living it in present tense is another story.
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