Day 31 of 101

With only seventy days left in my pursuit of redemption, I'm feeling like I have moved backwards rather than forewards in many aspects of my life. I'm wondering how I can possibly expect myself to climb the tree of redemption if I'm letting down so many people who depend on me and care about me and invest so much time and effort and energy into helping me succeed? Lately, I've been very poor with the art of communication. Rather than keeping an opened forum and keeping up through phone calls, emails, and texts, I've consistently and continually put off doing so for one reason or another. The most likely excuses are most likely good ones, but they have been coupled with the idea that "it's okay, he'll understand" or "she'll understand," but the truth is that I really wouldn't understand. I don't suppose I ought to have any high expectations from someone or anyone if I'm not displaying my willingness to follow through myself. Flaws, perhaps minor, perhaps major, but flaws nonetheless. I am spending the remainder of my afternoon and evening working to complete not only everything that's necessary for me to step into the next few days, but also making phone calls and returning messages and paying bills... all of which are items that I've put off or slid to the back burner for any reason - none of them very good.

I have to finish Agatha Christie's Evil Under the Sun (I may have ten pages remaining, and I almost had it read in one sitting save for these final few) so I can slide it onto my read shelf and I feel compelled to finish Heaven is for Real, a book that my grandmother asked to me return to the library for her yesterday, but which I ran to pluck from the baking interior of my car yesterday morning when I realized that my wait at The Spinal Institute would be longer than expected and I needed a little material to engage my mind and occupy the wait. I have plenty to write about the latter title, but those comments will have to float toward the back of my brain until I'm finished so that I can honestly write that I've given the book a fair shot.

By this hour tomorrow, I should be languishing on the beach at Gulf Shores. I'm not yet relieved and not allowing for excitement because I still have a few loose ends remaining to tie up before the emphatic and glorious feelings erupt.

Pacing myself.

The time is almost here.