Jack's found the scrapbook, buried in the piles of boxes in the basement of the Overlook, and he's begun to read the stories detailing the hotel's past.
Today was a bad day, but I found the courage and the strength to really take time out and to look at my part (or lack thereof) in my perception of the situation that is the bad situation of which I'm soon to be free. I feel like the bulk of my blog posts lately are all about how much I hate my job, which is true, but I don't want this to be a defining moment for me. I want to look back at how much I learned about people and how much I've learned about how not to do things. I want to add this into my spiritual pocketfuls of experiences that are working together to transform me into a better man - nothing like the miserable and difficult sick people for whom I soon will no longer work.
I called Ryan at lunch, something that I haven't done for months. The last time was the day that I was called into the office and forced to listen without comment to the wife assault me with a barrage of insults toward my integrity, my ethics, my intelligence, and my dignity (this was the day after which EVERYONE begged me to leave, to find something else - not necessarily better, because in their minds, ANYTHING else would be better)... and then forced to hug the very person who I was previously and subsequently told to disregard. Ryan talked me down from the proverbial ledge. He pointed out to me that nothing is really different, the situation hasn't really changed, the people are all the same people. I'm just a different man today than I was before, and I ought to take the opportunity to feel a little gratitude for the experience. I took his advice and I found the time to back away to the office and to take a few moments to pray and to invite God in to drive the rest of the afternoon. I didn't necessarily feel tremendously better, but at least my outlook on the situation changed. It's only The Devil Wears Prada as long as I view it that way. From any other perspective, it would be more One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, with me as Randle McMurphy instead of Andrea Sachs.
Of course tonight's meeting was all about gratitude. What's funny is that a gratitude list was something that popped into my head the second I got in my car this afternoon and drove away from the The House Where Evil Dwells.
Here it is:
1. Sobriety
2. Alcoholics Anonymous - the program
3. Alcoholics Anonymous - the fellowship
4. Ryan
5. Christina and Kristi being my beacons for hope
6. Angie and Meg being my role models for love
7. Sarah E. being the coolest thing in my life
8. PACE
9. Stephen King
10. Brunch and Breakfast at Tiffany's with Mom and Missy
11. Matt and my new job
12. Tuesday night supper at Dahn's Garden with Mark
13. Texts from Brodie Vines
14. Conversations with Bruce Parker
15. The Pink Party
16. Peggy H.
17. The Walking Dead
18. My health
19. Morning spiritual centered-ness
20. Prayer
21. Meditation
22. Dario Argento
23. Arrested Development
24. Gloria's peanut butter cookies
25. The Thursday night Lambda meeting
26. Saturday mornings at St. Luke's
27. Saturday Night Live
28. Julia B.'s pulled pork sandwiches
29. Oakwood
30. Andrew P.
31. Blogging
32. My love for writing
33. Art
34. Depeche Mode
35. Baylor Boyd
36. "Upon awakening..."
37. "When we retire at night..."
38. GOB's chicken dance (Lindsey's and Lucille's as well)
39. The c-word
40. Zombie candles
41. Super Hit incense
42. Neutrogena
43. The Son of Baconator at Wendy's
44. Shrimp Pad Thai
45. Blue Bell ice cream
46. Mary Louise
47. Lola
48. Equality
49. Hope
50. Perseverence
... I could continue the list ad infinitum, but the truth is that I have far more in my life for which to be grateful than I have for which to be down.
Nothing that happened in that room with my boss and his wife has anything to do with me or with who I am or who I am becoming. It doesn't define me. Nor do these final days at the practice. The defining factors are the assets with which I leave, the lessons I've learned, and the knowledge I take. No matter what, no one can ever take any of those things from me.
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