I have had a very weird month. Something happened between the time that I had off over the long Independence Day weekend and the time that I picked up my 18 month chip. For whatever reason, I associate the general oddness with the weekend of LASCYPAA, but I don't want to associate something strange, different, and uncomfortable with something that was also very much a turning point (in a positive way) for my recovery/sobriety; however, there it is.
LASCYPAA was the beginning of the Tradition Study group. It was the first point that I really felt that I had a place in the world of AA. It was the point at which I really discovered just what service is, what service work can be.
It was also the point where I stopped praying so seriously. I stopped reading so intently. I lost my passion for writing. The Shreveport Catalyst folded. I stopped meditating in the morning. I started sleeping later. I discovered that the position I'd accepted wasn't what I thought it was. And it was when I really started taking a long, hard look at the various people who color my world and seeing them for everything that they are: their good, their bad, and those indifferent little idiosyncrasies that combine to make them complete.
I've been in a crazy, stupid funk since the last days of July, and here we are: approaching the final days of August and I still don't seem to be snapping out of it. Every time I pick up my pencil to create another few pages, I immediately put it back down. I feel distracted and can't seem to get a handle on that zest that I had pretty much every day leading up to the time that this all started.
That's not to say that I haven't had good news. Positive things happen to me every day, but I forget to enjoy the moments and to express gratitude and to feel the pleasures that life throws at me at nearly every turn. The cliche stands that sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, and right now, that's just where I am. I'm hoping that with a little more blogging than usual, a little more attention to my reading and writing and spiritual life, I'll get past this point and move forward to the other side of things. I'm not the type of guy to stay down for long. This just happens to be one of those periods in life when all those forestry branches are blocking my view and I think my garden needs a little grooming.
Life happens. Jobs are lost. People fall off their pedestals. Family members get sick. Bills come due. People let you down. Life rarely gives me exactly what I think I need at the exact moment I'd consider it best.
However.
Life is mostly beautiful. There's always a better job. People surprise me. Family members recover. Bills get paid. People commit random acts of kindness. Life gives me exactly what I need at the moment I'd least expect it.
Tomorrow is another day.
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