Where Are We Now, Where Are We Going

Something to chew on...

I think about the potentials for recovery sometimes. About that list that I made when I was at The Pines, all the things I'd ever hoped to accomplish, all the things I wanted to do with the time that I've got now that I've gotten clean.

I remember that I wanted to publish novels and a biography of my life. I wanted to write a screenplay that would win an Academy Award and be on the cover of Time magazine as the Man of the Year. I wanted to host Saturday Night Live, have breakfast in Paris and dinner in Rome. Beignets and a cup of cafe au lait with a lover at Cafe Du Monde before shopping through the French Quarter some warm spring afternoon, then lay in bed all day with the doors and windows of a second floor flat opened up to the hustle and bustle and jazziness of New Orleans. Have the experience of a big gay Greek wedding that lasts a week, with all my friends and family gathered for the event at Martha's Vineyard or some private island off the coast of Maine. Take a train excursion all the way around the country. A cruise through Alaska. New Year's Eve in Time Square. The summer solstice at Stonehenge. Halloween night in San Francisco. March in a gay pride parade. Christmas in London. Thanksgiving on a farm in Vermont. The list goes on and on.

I still think about these things.

I also think that the time that's left to accomplish them is so limited. We are all such talented, beautiful, and creative people. And we tend to let so many of our hopes and dreams and aspirations fall by the wayside when we decide to sell our souls in pursuit of retaining that first great high. We forget to dream. We forget to plan. We forget about all the things that ever drove us in early life. Then we get clean. We see that the possibilities are endless, yet I see so many people get clean and forget that they've forgotten.

I choose to remember. I want to keep in mind all those things that I ever hoped I'd do before I was thirty. I want to keep them there, not even on the back burner, but actually very near the forefront of life. I want to keep these things attainable...close...near....in such a proximity that the only thing that's really separating me from achievement is just a little more sweat than I've put out the day before, a little more elbow grease than I may have planned, a little more work to have the end justify the means.

I don't want the one great thing that I did in my life to be that I got clean. Don't get me wrong, that's a huge endeavor. A miracle in and of itself. And I want to stay clean and go to meetings and work steps and help others and speak at conventions and participate in workshops and host events and be a part of the process. But I don't believe that my Higher Power wanted me to get clean and just lose the desire. I think my Higher Power also wants me to push my limits and test boundaries and keep reaching for the stars. And never forget about all the wonderful things I'd once planned to do to celebrate the wonders of life.

So, I won't be afraid to make my mark. To speak my mind. To stand up for my beliefs. To speak out when I see the need. To set goals. To pursue my dreams. To live in achievement. I only have one life to live and it's way too short. I plan to make my mark. I plan to remember to be remembered.

What did you want to be when you grew up?