Distant - Disdainful - Disregarded - Disrespected - Disillusioned - Disheartened - Displayed
A moribund state of mind, I suppose, and the antithesis of where I feel I should be proposing right now. It's just a reflection, built from having too much time on my hands from these past few days. One can never realized just how thoroughly occupied their time is until it becomes less occupied and slightly empty. That's when the loneliness sets in, that's when the thoughts come, and they're difficult to hold back, mostly impossible to suppress.
Move a muscle, change a feeling.
I don't know what happened. It was just one of those afternoons where I don't suppose anyone could really do anything right, least of all me. A call came through from a disjointed former creditor that I'd actually contacted some time ago to finish repaying an extended debt, and things just snowballed from there. Everything and everybody suddenly just got on my nerves, so I grabbed Mary Louise and her leash and we walked briskly down the avenue, taking in the sights and smells and sounds of an Indian Summer night. Is this Indian Summer? Or does that not come till later? I never really recall seeing the term much unless I'm reading something from Stephen King. Regardless. The point is: I felt better.
Of course, the pads on the soles of my feet were rubbed raw because I wore a pair of sandals that were designed more for looks than for utility, and I walked a bit faster than I'd intended. And I realized that Mary was really leading me, proudly skipping along the sidewalk and weaving in and out of the grass, occassionally tilting her head back to me to be sure I had hold of the twenty five or thirty feet of leash (why is it so long? and why don't I do something to shorten it? it's cumbersome to continually pull on and wind up and spiral around my elbow!) and was following her as promised.
I had a multitude of realizations on the walk. Number one, better shoes next time; number two, there definitely needs to be a next time. I remember reading or hearing or seeing something to the effect that the easiest way to keep your puppy happy is to take her for walks routinely and often.
Number three, maybe I need to get my ass up and have her out there first thing in the morning. I know she'll be raring to go even if I roust her from the middle of her kicking and screaming dreams. All I have to do is pick up that leash and begin trying to put her harness in place. That's all. Number four, the cigarettes are tired. They taste bad. They're supposedly laden with some new chemical that promptly ceases a billowing plume of smoke when you put them down in an ashtray. What's more, I have to quit anyway. Smoking is not allowed during clinical. Smoking is not allowed on the Christus campus. Smoking doesn't really look all that attractive anymore. Not like it did in the 1950s and 60s. Nobody can look like the blondes in Alfred Hitchcock movies once did.. all Chanel suits, bright red fingernails, and a long, glamorous-looking stick of cancer poised between their fingers... aren't all those people dead now anyway? What was it? Lung cancer? Great!
So I'm gonna quit. Don't know if I'll pick a day or buy a patch or chew the gum or eat a lot or suck on cinnamon candy or what, but I've been thinking about it. And I suppose tonite could be as good a time as any. I'm sure I might cheat and break down some other way, but I might as well give it a shot. Could save a bit more money in the long run.
The walks are another thing. What is that? Number five? I need more exercise. I've been living in a pasta warehouse which, combined with the extensive history of spinal dysfuntion is not really the greatest combination. Of course, cooking has become one of my hobbies and a great past time. It helps me to think and meditate and listen for God's answers to all my varying questions, but just because I cook doesn't mean I have to sample. What's more, I've got this new-found affinity for dirt therapy and trying to waken the dead that come in the forms of a litter of plants that I could readily kill or readily nurture to keep alive.
The truth is, I'm generally unhappy with the way I look. I know, so are most people, but when your BMI scale reveals a possibility that is nothing I really want to face, I think it's time to do something a little different. Of course, I'm limited. There are a series of stretches and skills I need to hone to be sure I keep my back safe and the pain at bay, but isn't there always the possibility that this could strengthen things and make it all just a little better and more endurable for the long haul?
Six, I need to work on my step more. I went over one with Allison today, and I'd forgotten how good it feels to get all that stuff out.
Seven (lucky seven), I know I need to pray a little more actively than I have. It's something I forget or maybe take for granted or maybe refuse to acknowledge. The fact is, I know I'm always happiest when my life has a sense of balance and purpose and I know that I'm doing the best at everything.
I know that if I have what is true and good and honest and pure and right on my side; when I'm just doing the very best that I can from one day to the next without hurting anybody; when I'm really consciously trying and pushing and persevering with humility, that's when I know that I have God on my side. That's when I know that no matter what, all will be well.
So I blogged. A rather long blog this time. Maybe the longest one I posted so far, but I think what better spot to document my progress as I set forth these seven, simple, spiritual goals. I'll put it out there in the open. Beginning tonite and going for... oh, let's say the next 101 days... in pursuit of redemption. Let's see how I fare. Having heard the concept of the upcoming film Julie and Julia and seeing this dude on gay.com who's going on a three month journey around the country and documenting the whole thing, I figure that this is the least I can do. Take it one step at a time, one blog at a time, from minute to minute, and write about how crappy or great or rewarded I feel for the process.
What's 101 days from now????? Up till sometime in November? Thanksgiving or thereabouts? Right? Sounds about right, so that's close enough. And Thanksgiving is a nice, fattening, sleep-inducing meal to look forward to as a reward anyway. Best meal of the year. We'll see. Maybe I'll throw in some pictures and other forms of motivation and realization for good measure.
So let's see how this goes, this journey to quit smoking, exercise more, pray more, meditate more, push more, do more, spend more time with my dog, be nicer more, love more, live more, smile more, feel better more and cough less.
Thanksgiving suddenly seems kinda far away.
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