To write that I feel disappointed in people is putting it mildly; however, the truth is that I went down south to Metaire, Louisiana for what I thought would be a fun-filled, action-packed, all-star weekend of everything that is healthy, wealthy, wise, and fun in recovery. My expectations were incredibly high, and I was let down with an absolutely resounding thud.
There's a story in the Big Book, Doctor Alcoholic Addict (the title in my edition - I thin it's since been changed to Acceptance Was the Key, or something lame and wet-down like that), whose creator uses imagery of his relationship with his wife, Maxine, as comparable and analogous description for his general outlook on life. In the story, it's all about perception. Everything. The doctor writes that his level of serenity is directly proportional to his level of acceptance and inversely proportional to his expectations in any given situation. If only I can remember this truth at the most important times in my day to remember it. Kinda like remembering to pause when agitated or doubtful, as suggested in the pages from 86-88. It's all really great and hopeful in the wee small hours of morning when the coffee's kicking in and I've not yet had any type of interaction to pollute my train of thought. In reality, life shows up in the form of people, the majority of them assholes and not working a program, and there I am: pissed off and believing everybody owes me. If people would just do things my way, everything would be just grand.
I write all this to also state that LASCYPAA 2013 was an overwhelmingly underwhelming event, and it had nothing to do with the great town of Metairie or the people that were there. My reaction to the conference and the sense of foreboding and negativity with which we made the drive back on Sunday is all directly related to the fact that I had the convention built up in my head to be this great thing, and it was anything but great. That's not to suggest that I learned nothing. Nor is it to suggest that I didn't cultivate a number of friendships that I'd not anticipated having the opportunity to enjoy. In truth, I probably got exactly what I was meant to from the interactions that I had. I learned what I was supposed to learn. And I saw what I was supposed to see. Some of this has positive ramifications. Most of it doesn't, but then again - even writing that - negative consequences are all in a matter of perspective.
A lot of people I admired and respected fell from their pedestals and proved themselves human. I saw where adults can still act like adolescents and adolescents can be a lot of fun to hang around. I realized that Louisiana is home to some of the most beautiful creatures - both male and female - on the planet, and I wanted to make out with well over a handful of really well-tended and manicured guys who probably wouldn't know what hit 'em if I went for it. I didn't get much sleep, and I got to the point of feeling a little spun out. I was intermittently disappointed and overjoyed that we didn't get the LASCYPAA 2014 bid. Eventually, I realized it was best that we didn't. I missed Brodie a great deal, and I kept wishing he'd been there with me. I missed Mary Louise as well, but I was happy to have left her in the safe hands of her grandmother. I kept wanting to be home to lay on the couch and watch Moonrise Kingdom or to sit on the chairs on the back patio and read.
Speaking of reading, I finished one story (big whoop - when I am gonna get my ass back into the literature - to let 'em have it and show 'em who's boss? : soon, I promise!) in Night Shift, I Am the Doorway, which is definitely one of his older works, but much better than some of the more recently written stuff that I've read.
Oh, and I decided to quit smoking.
I don't know why. I was sitting in a meeting last night, and I got this nasty taste in my mouth that has been there on-and-off for a few days. I suddenly realized that I just didn't want to smoke anymore.
Maybe it will take.
We'll see.
I'm actually thinking of leaving my desk before my lunch is over to head up to Walgreen's for a pack. Yeah, we'll see.
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