Entering the last week of July, the hottest I can remember (but I probably say/write/think that every year), and I was really hoping to look back at this point in my summer from scholastic responsibility with a broader sense of accomplishment than what I've got to feel pride toward. What's more, my blog is filled with regret and lament. I read some of this stuff and really think that I sound like a tragically morose individual.
I'm not. Not really. Well, not especially. I mean, I've not kept up with my blog like I promised myself I would before the weather got really hot. I've not been penning entries in my journal. I've not been going to meetings or working steps with Juli. I've accumulated more titles on my list of "to-read"s than I have in my stacks of "completed"s. I haven't written much, and everything that I've written I've second guessed or put to the side. I have more outlines and pages filled with streams-of-consciousness than actual, cohesive work. I haven't lost that last twenty-seven pounds that I was hoping to remove before sweater weather arrives. I've lost a little bit more faith in the idea of love and romance (seems that's the one area I really ought not to put any focus into... it only serves to see you let down in the long run). I planned to end the summer free from complaining of lower lumbar, flank, and posterior leg-to-knee pain (but all the surgery really did was take every possible adjective I could use to describe the hurt on the left side and placed it firmly on the equal-opposite side). A lot of plans that haven't exactly planned out.
But I have the course work prepped and registered for the upcoming fall semester (the final fall semester I'll ever have to take), and it's a schedule filled with psych and addiction studies and a few other core classes that I need to be sure I'll be graduating on time this coming May. Of course, I've yet to complete the imperative financial aid paperwork that NSU sent me months ago when I was chosen for verification (an unfortunate process that's randomly selected and can unnecessarily hold things up for dispersal of funds) - I really need to get on top of that.
I have also completed compiling my final issue as editor of the LASN paper, Horizons, a task to which I stuck despite no longer being a member of the nursing program at a school in the state of Louisiana; however, I still have the full expose to complete that I'm hoping to finely tune and perhaps publish at some point in the next several months. Have I mentioned that? My desire to write a narrative of what happened with my application and scrutiny by the board (with absolute antithesis of bending-over-backwards of any of those wonderful professionals at the NSU CON who were only too ready to accept my help with anything and everything I was asked).
I finished Tess for book club. I formed enduring relationships with the men and women who accompanied me to Gulf Shores. I discovered my worth in applying for and being more selectively scrutinized (this time, I'm using the word with a hopefully positive connotation) to accept a postion that, if I get it, will reward me for my actual worth and potential. In making changes and plans and looking more maturely at my future, I've figured out what I definitely don't want...even if I'm still not entirely sure about where I'm specifically headed.
I guess I have as many pros as I might list cons for things I can cross off my lists. I only wish there was more... that there were more.
I need to finish The Swarm and War and Remembrance and The Funhouse. I need to get my sneakers back on my feet and the soles of my shoes back on the pavement to get the physique to where I want it. I need to be sure I'm updating this, my baby, regularly instead of weekly (if not daily), and I need to put a little (no, a lot) more energy into calibrating the meat of these stories for which I've only so far gotten outlines and ideas.
It's nearly 0430, and I have to stay up for a few more hours if I'm going to sleep for most of the day and be alert and oriented and ready to roll in time for work at 2230. Maybe I can get some of this stuff knocked out... the financial aid paperwork at least.
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